Monday, February 22, 2010

I WAS DAMNED & KARMAD

I'm a murderer, of feelings that is. I don't know if I was born to do that or is it my choice... maybe lots of you would say it's a matter of choice... I did choose... but still ending up unfaithful!!!

I believe that it's hard for others to please me, and so to please myself... in a minute I like this and in a while I don't coz I found better and ending up messing things so bad. I can be in a relationship for like years and years, but please do not expect me to be faithful... mmm in the first 3 months yes will, but I really couldn't help myself pleasing others too.... it suck to be me, believe me. But, but... if I really like the person that I'm with, it's like all or nothing. I give my best and make sure that she's one hell happy person in bed and in relationship...

People might think I'm a bad and a foolish person that doesn't need to be given much attention... but, I'm nice - that's what they say, and I believe them, my friends calls me "under the table job"... you know what I mean. It's just that I can't be faithful all the time. BUT I always remember, acknowledge and appreciate things that were given and done to me... at all times. I'm not just faithful.

I was or still am in my now 4 year relationship... living in - for that matter and she caught me being unfaithful several times... the reason I feels like can't really leave her is that she does millions of things for me on my favor. And I feel that I can't live without her, but somehow feels like I have to let go of her coz it ain't fair for her... I know. Every time I think about it, it melts my heart... but there's a feeling that damns me... like a whisper saying "go have fun, don't worry to much". I can't really assume to myself that I'm a player... coz I'm not.

There was a story I actually posted here weeks ago about this girl I really like... we were both taken... had years relationship, but we were doing great. Until the day came she chose to be with her 5 yr GF... It was like she was forced to chose her coz her GF was like paying for everything.... Told her that doesn't matter - - money doesn't matter shit to me. Now I'm paying for all the damn things I've done... I can't stop thinking about her, somehow I'm still hoping for her to get back, but no assurance that.... I'll be faithful to her too. Selfish right, I don't know, that's the way I am....

And then came another girl that was introduced to me by an office staff... she's cool.... kinda young, but..... but.... awesomely sexy... I believe she is a soft-butch, which is alright. And believe me, I kind of give up on her.... she is really hard, moody and irate... but I find her funny at times. I am really attracted to her and I'm trying to myself not to treat her like the others, good luck to me..... unfortunately after the days of trying, I found out we were cool as friends and I was happy to find it out. Why? because actually we have the same attitude and positive + positive will never attract right, it mus be negative + positive...

Alls well that ends well I may say... as for myself, I am enjoying life, NOT to the extent of using people... I just enjoy their company. Nothing more nothing less.